Seeing my friend bringing her Pet to the vet remind of the day u suddenly asked me to come over your house to accompany you because one of your pet hamster was sick. still rmb how panic and upset you was.
but still glad u ask me to pei you go down.
Dearest pocky please take care of your owner, nights that you see her upset in her own room. that she wont tell anybody else but maybe she will cuddle you up and whisper into your ear. please be there for her and tell her she must be strong and there is somebody out there always willing to lent her a listening ear, a shoulder for her lean and a chest for her to cry on.

well two days ago happened something weird. and nah today this first part is not about Gladys.
Dear little Goldfish.
I wanna write it down in the blog because its something i wanna remember.
To see you so drunk and so upset. totally emotional breakdown.
I also heart pain uh!
I must really admit i was taken aback when you talked about the past.
And of course it was totally my fault that i hurt you before.
But maybe because I felt really unwanted recently
I was really happy to know that somebody actually really loved me before in the past.
Trust me.
recently i suspect about everything. Friends ? are they really friends?
lovers ? Did they really ever love me?
But coming out from your mouth when you drunk and the certain details that u remember really make me think i am such an ass to hurt you in the past due to my indecisive-ness.
I sincerely hope that you are gonna feel better and get back to your cheerful self ! (:



Yesterday went down to Shirley 21st Bday chalet.
Nothing much to talk about.
-You don't even care or asked me if i am coming
-Your movie plan with all of them didn't even include me although the plan didn't work out
-You was just busy using your phone the whole night. We didn't even chat.

So i guess this is it?

Your tendency to just simply ignore me really just make me look like a idiot.
and it prove how important I am to you.






I really feel so depressed....
Death is the only way out.
and the only thing that made me scare is
I scare I will be disappointed as how the idea of me totally gone from your life doesn't affect you the slightest bit. I will be the saddest ghost in this world.....

I hate how we are not talking
I hate how your Perfect new life has totally nothing to do with me

 Have you ever wondered, if you would allow me to surprise you or cheer you up, I might really make you very happy?

You don't have time to hang out.. perhaps you were busy with school and work

You can't even bothered to reply my messages.. perhaps you didn't check your phone.

But. nope.
You got time for your friends. maybe your friends always asked you way before i do.

You are using your phone. you are replying messages. just not mine. Sorry maybe i just a tat too boring person to even normal chit chat with.


I am not happy being your friend ?
I am not contented? I am asking too much ? I don't even fucking ask for anything in return for whatever fuck I do.
SOMETIME I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE I AM YOUR FUCKING FRIEND.


And your friend asked me to leave you alone in my face on a social network.
Alright. Maybe she is right.I shld stop being a pester-ing bug.  I am indeed trying. You know how fucking hard it is for me?

Then i thought to myself. " Maybe Gladys gonna notice this. that i am leaving her alone, wonder how would she react.. "
and the joke is. i actually thought you would actually care enough to notice it.


Do you know.
As long as you ring me up for any help, I would be so happy? I would be so happy that u actually thought of me.
Maybe you already forget all these.
You drove out with your friends, but when get back , you think you accidentally scratch the rims. You told me and i came down to your house downstairs at 7AM to check out the car before I head to work.
You told me you seem to lost your Favorite Jacket while you walk to take train to school from home. I went down to Simei. Walked to and fro from your house to the Mrt platform Thrice just to look around to see if there is any chance i could help you find back your jacket just in case u accidentally dropped it somewhere.

I just want to do my best for you.
I just hope in a way it would make your life a bit better. that it would bring a smile across your face.
I know what I do won't be the best of this world.
But it would be the best of me that i ever could and all of me.



I am worried about you. fucking worried about you.
I know i am over sensitive.
but I am really worried.
I had seen enough of this world to know what kind of bastard guys are.
and you need far more protection when you go drink.
I love you. Please be safe.

Happy Birthday Dearest Girl!!
Hope everything will goes well in you ya?
and you would be really really happy.
On this very day. I made a decision.
and perhaps this decision would made you happy in a long term.
I told you before already. everything i do , all i wanna see you happy.
maybe your friend is right.
maybe all you wan is me to do nothing at all.
this is your big 21st.
I really really did everything i could.
The book and the wallet.
know something. I really wish i could afford that MiuMiu for you.
If one day, you received a MiuMiu wallet from an anonymous guy. it would be me !
The book. .one day when u flip thru this book.Hopefully u will be able to remember the good time.I really hoped i had at least given you some good memory to keep.
maybe i didnt
maybe i failed so badly without realizing it that i couldnt even give u a good memory in 8 years time.
sorry.


trust me
leaving you is never my choice.
but
maybe i was left with no choice.



Loving you forever and always.
Ching Kiat.

Just like how i wanted you to accompany me for a meal during my actual day of my birthday.
Of course you also want somebody special to be there with you for your birthday.
How silly of me...

As much as i don't have the rights to say all these to you or as much as I am afraid that you might take it the wrong way thinking that i am trying to interfere your life, I still gonna say this.

SERIOUSLY? Lying to your mum and fly up to bkk ALONE to find your friends!? I totally have no idea why in the world you would do that for. Perhaps cos something happened and you just want a getaway, but you just went over to Batam few days ago although i nt very sure about this or who was u with...this is not even you. just what if something really happened girl.

Your Mum is not even the unreasonable type to a certain extend, and the type of things that she would deny you from doing it, like traveling with guys only or alone with a guy or flying up bkk ALONE...there is only one reason behind it, and it is to protect you !


Just maybe i am wrong.
I just feel that maybe there is special someone there in this group of UNI friends that why you did such a reckless thing.

I am only worried about your safety. REALLY.
and also that if your Mum gonna find out about this, you all gonna have such an hugeass quarrel and you sure gonna be upset and I don't want you to be upset...


Pretty sure you not gonna read this.
just need a place to rant i guess.
and you most likely will be angry at me if you read this instead
I am just bad at expressing myself to you i guess.

That why i hate Falling In Love.
You will get hurt when you fall.
fuck this shyt

I really wonder if one day I am totally gone from your life, does it even make a tiny winy bit of impact in your life.

because i felt so worthless and insignificant.